


I Will Survive

by VarjoRuusu



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, I won't tag it with all the sex tags, Just imagine they're there, M/M, Medium Angst, Modern AU, Past Relationship(s), Porn With Plot, Semi-underage, Silver is 17, Smut, Smutty Flashbacks, Tagging James is weird, Tentative Ending, The usual lot - Freeform, Which in the UK is legal, silverflint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 12:17:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10990791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VarjoRuusu/pseuds/VarjoRuusu
Summary: Seven years after John walked out of James’ life he walks back in, stirring emotions that James tired to bury a long time ago, along with the memories of their life before. Will James forgive him? Can he understand John’s reasons for running? Can they move on together and get their happy ending?COMPLETED





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, basically. Fuck my life. I Will Survive came on the radio today and fuck me if this didn't write itself in literally under ten seconds. I don't know that it's finished, I may expand on it, but for now it can be read as is. 
> 
> Be warned. In the italics, there be smut. 
> 
> Also a pre warning because I feel that it's almost impossible to write anything modern without having to include the entire process of condoms etc, please imagine this is an AU where there is no such thing as an STD because A: I am lazy, and B: I didn't want to interrupt the flow of the writing.

The lock clicked quietly and James pushed open the door, reaching for the lights. His fingers froze centimeters from the switch when a familiar smell, a cologne, wafted over him and every muscle in his body tensed. Slowly he looked toward the balcony, taking in the familiar silhouette leaning against the rail, the gossamer curtains shifting lightly in the breeze.

Seven years. It had been seven years and the deja vu, the familiar picture was paralyzing. It suddenly felt as if not time at all had passed.

James closed the door quietly behind him, fingers dropping from near the light switch. He didn't want to turn the lights on. If he didn't turn the lights on, this wasn't real. John wasn't here, wasn't standing on his balcony watching the sleepy London street moving below like he used to, he hadn't suddenly walked back into James' life without word nor warning.

But, as with so many things, the darkness couldn't hide the truth, only cast it in shadows. John as here, he wasn't a ghost, an apparition of James' mind. He was real, and whatever reason brought him here, James wanted to know what gave him the nerve, after what he'd done.

“What the hell are you doing here?” James finally asked, breaking the silence. He watched shoulders hunch under the short blue jacket and a shuddering breath travel out of the man standing in the moonlight. James watched hands clench the railing before the back straightened and he turned slowly, his blue eyes shining in the half light, exactly the same as James remembered them as they watched each other across the room.

“Hello, James,” he said softly, not moving forward.

“What are you doing here?” James repeated, voice low and deadly. John stepped inside from the balcony finally, the scent of his cologne wafting in with him on the breeze.

“You know why I'm here,” he said softly, and James noticed the set of his shoulders, the nervous twitch of his fingers.

“I don't know why the fuck you're in my flat in the middle of the night, no,” James said, eyes never leaving John's.

“I had some things that needed saying,” John said after a moment, as if struggling with the words.

“I have nothing to say to you,” James said.

“James,” John said quietly, but James shook his head.

“Christ, John, you _left me_ ,” James ground out. “How the hell am I supposed to react? It's been years!”

“I was twenty!” John said, spreading his arms in frustration. “I was young, I was too young. I couldn't...” he trailed off.

“You couldn't what? I was in love with you,” James muttered quietly. It wasn't like John hadn't known then. There was no reason not to say it now.

“I was afraid,” John nearly whispered.

“Of me?” James scoffed.

“Of what I felt for you,” John said.

“So you destroyed me instead?” James snapped and John shrunk back.

“I couldn't just...give up my life before I had even lived it,” John said, clenching his hands.

“You thought I wasn't good enough,” James said through clenched teeth. John threw his hands up in frustration.

“Jesus, James, I left because it would have been too easy to stay. You were perfect, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I was afraid that if I stayed...I'd come to resent you...”

“Well there's no danger of that now,” James said, turning on his heel and entering the kitchen, flipping the lights on and opening the refrigerator to put away the take out that had been dangling from his fingers and was no longer the least bit appealing.

“You didn't change the locks,” John said from behind him and James stiffened, the voice far closer than he expected. John was standing in the kitchen entryway when he turned, a look of defiance on his face. “Seven god damned years, you didn't move, you didn't change the locks. My key still _works._ ”

“That won't be the case much longer,” James snarled. “Get the fuck out, John.”

“James...”

“Get out!” James screamed, fingers itching to throw something. There was silence for long moments before John nodded, turning away and walking toward the door. James didn't relax until he heard the lock click and even then it took him a moment to force his hands to unclench. He was shaking as he remembered the first time they met.

_James had noticed the blue eyes watching him from across the room, the sounds of the club pounding against his ears and blurring his vision along with the generous amount of alcohol James had already consumed, but those eyes, they had stopped him in his tracks._

_James came to drink, not to socialize, so when a young, very young, man with dark curly appeared next to him, his first instinct was to ignore him, but he couldn't ignore those eyes. The man didn't speak, just let his eyes travel over James, causing James to suck in a breath as he saw the expression the young man wore. Wordlessly the man held out his hand and tilted his head toward the dance floor. Against all his better judgement, James slid his hand into the strangers, downed the rest of his drink, and followed._

_Mere moments later they were pressed together by the crowd on the dance floor and James instinctively slung an arm around the others waist to keep him close. He bit back a moan when the young man turned, pressing his back flush against James' chest and began to dance, if you could even call it dancing. The movements were downright sinful and James could feel his blood heating as he ran his hands along the other man's sides to grip his hips._

_James didn't consider himself to be a dancer, but when enough alcohol flowed through his veins, he let go, and that was precisely what he did now, letting the music and the heady feel of a body pressed against his flow through him, obscuring all conscious thought. He didn't know how much time had passed before he was drawn back to reality by a voice, words whisper-spoken against his ear as he buried his face along the man's neck and breathed deeply, taking in the scent of skin and sweat and what smelled like a very expensive cologne. James was fully aware that they were both hard, achingly so in his case, and he was under no illusions what was likely to happen. That didn't make the words any less delicious to hear._

“ _I want to go home with you,” the dark haired man said, his voice, which James imagined must normally be smooth like a rich chocolate, rough and scratchy with desire. “I want you to fuck me.”_

“ _Jesus, how the fuck old are you?” James managed to groan, fingers clutching tightly on the lithe hips grinding against him. The younger man chuckled, leaning his head further back against James' shoulder, one hand coming up to bury in James' hair._

“ _I'm old enough to know what I'm doing,” he said lightly near James' ear, just loud enough to be heard over the pounding of the club._

_Their bodies were pressed together, still back to front, and James was torn between wrapping his arms fully around the young man grinding against him or having him thrown out for being underage. He moaned when the man dragged his head down and kissed him desperately, tongue flicking out to press against James' lips. Sliding his arms all the way around the young mans waist, under his shirt, his fingers found skin and he shuddered._

“ _What's your name?” he rasped when he pulled away to suck in a much needed breath. “We go nowhere unless I know your name.”_

_Blue eyes sparkled in the lights as the man seemed to consider him, biting his lip as he pulled away enough to turn so they were face to face._

“ _John,” he said finally. “My name is John.”_

“ _James,” the other breathed and John nodded, stilly worrying his lip James leaned forward, sealing their mouths together once more and swallowing John's moan as the other arched against him, arms securing tightly around his neck._

_They danced a while longer, James almost drowning in the tantalizing feeling of John pressed up against him before he couldn't stand it any longer and taking the other man's hand, he pulled him outside to hail a cab._

_The ride to James' flat was silent, their eyes never leaving each other as they drank in the man sitting across from them. John was young, but his eyes were sparking with a heat that James knew all too well and it made his skin tingle at the thought of what he would do once they were safely locked inside his flat. Distractedly he paid the driver, tugging John out of the cab and back into the cool night air, eyes never leaving him. They were barely inside the building when John sealed their mouths together again, the kiss turning rough and desperate as they stumbled toward the stairs. Two flights up James pinned John to the wall next to his door as he fumbled with the keys, sliding a thigh between his legs and pressing, causing the young man to moan loudly into James' mouth._

_James paused, pulling away to fit the key in the lock and then they were stumbling into the flat, shoes kicked off and shirts following quickly as James finally got his hands properly on skin. He blindly heading them for the bedroom, smirking when John's knees hit the edge of the mattress and he fell back with a small gasp. James took a moment to admire the view before he bent forward to fiddle with the button and zip of John's pants, pulling them open and tugging them down his hips.. The man wasn't wearing underwear and James licked his lips, suddenly wanting nothing more than to bend down and suck John's beautifully hard cock into his mouth. Instead he moved back and tugged the jeans the rest of the way off, tossing them somewhere as his own joined them, leaving them both naked and breathing heavily, just staring at one another._

“ _Fuck you're gorgeous,” John breathed after a moment and James smirked, crawling onto the bed to cover the other man's body with his own. The noises John made were obscene, moaning and gasping every time they touched. James had never been with anyone so responsive and it was beyond intoxicating. He kissed John slowly, exploring every curve of his mouth, their tongues battling leisurely as some of the fire cooled briefly._

“ _You know, I don't normally go home with random people,” John gasped as James moved down his neck, trailing a line of kisses from just below his ear to his collarbone. “Just in case you were under the illusion that I was that easy,” he grinned causing James to chuckle._

“ _I don't either,” he said with a light smile as he continued lower, peppering John's chest with kisses and nips, tongue dragging over one hard nipple as his hands explored all the skin he could reach, except where John wanted him to touch the most._

“ _Now that we've established that,” John muttered. “Will you please fucking touch me?”_

“ _Impatient are we?” James chuckled, rubbing his beard along John's stomach and watching the muscles twitch._

“ _I wanted to feel you in me the moment I laid eyes on you,” John gasped. “My patience is running a little low.”_

_James just grinned, scooting them up the bed and leaning over to the nightstand to grab a bottle of oil he kept there, pouring a little on his hand. He gripped John's cock and ran his hand up and down a few times, delighting in seeing the other man thrashing beneath him, trying to press his hips up and fuck into James' hand. Pulling away he poured more oil on his fingers and slowly trailed them from John's knee to his hip, then down the inside of his leg, teasing as he finally pressed lightly at John's hole, circling, but not pressing inside._

“ _Jesus, are you going to tease me all night?” John demanded, gasping harshly. James slid one finger in, just barely breeching him and John moaned, his back arching as his fingers gripped the bedsheets, pressing against James' hand as he slid his finger in and out slowly._

“ _I am rather enjoying this,” James said with a grin as he sat back on his heels to admire the man lying before him, legs spread wide and eyes barely open, chest rising and falling sharply with each breath. Leaning down he pressed a kiss to John's hip._

“ _More,” John demanded and James smirked. He pulled away, just long enough for John to whine in protest, then pushed two fingers inside, burying them up to the knuckle as his lips trailed over John's stomach._

“ _Oh, fuck,” John muttered, his head thrown back. James continued to watch the expanse of his chest and neck, deliciously on display, as a thought drifted across his mind._

“ _Have you done this before?” he asked, hand slowing it's motions and John whimpered._

“ _If I say no, are you going to stop?” he asked, forcing his eyes open to stare down at James. James seriously considered it for a moment, then shook his head, pressing in sharply with his fingers and smirking as John arched and cried out, his hips pressing eagerly against James' fingers._

“ _God, do that again,” John gasped and James obliged, bending to latch onto John's inner thigh and suck until the skin turned red and a bruise began to form, all the while slowly fucking John with his fingers, listening to the other man whine and keen with pleasure. He didn't think John even noticed when he added a third finger, he was so lost to the pleasure. He continued until John twisted his hands in his hair and tugged him up to kiss him._

“ _Fuck, James, please, I want you inside me,” John begged, hands clutching desperately at James' face as he pressed kisses anywhere he could reach. James shifted enough so he could reach to cover John's mouth completely, kissing the dark haired man deeply as he reached for the oil again, slicking his cock. Carefully he pressed the head against John's hole and his eyes widened at how easily he slipped inside the tight heat, buried to the hilt in seconds. He paused, afraid he'd hurt John, but there was no pain on his face, only rapture._

“ _Are you alright?” he whispered against John's ear anyway, feeling a nod against his head, John's hands drifting to his shoulders._

“ _Move, and don't fucking treat me like I might break just because yours is the first cock I've had up my ass,” John growled and James' hips jerked as he moaned._

“ _You have a filthy mouth for someone your age,” he chuckled, drawing back his hips before snapping them forward, dragging a long moan from John as his fingers dug into James' shoulders._

“ _You haven't heard anything yet, old man,” John grinned and James growled, slamming his mouth to John's, putting his hands under John's ass and rolling them over, smirking at the gasp as John settled on him, his cock sliding even deeper._

“ _God, fuck,” John swore, eyes falling shut as his hands clenched on James' biceps, holding on for all he was worth as he fought not to come right there. James' hand circled his cock and squeezed it tightly, pulling John back from the edge even as he gasped for breath._

“ _You're not new to this,” James observed as he slowly pressed his hips up, fucking into John at a maddeningly slow pace._

“ _Toys,” John gasped. “A lot of toys.” James chuckled._

“ _God you're a sight,” James whispered, free hand running over John's sweat damp skin, tracing the red flush that ran from his dark hair right to the head of his cock. James didn't think he'd ever felt anyone so hard, certainly not for him, and the thought was intoxicating. He had let go of John's cock now and wasn't even touching him except for the hands resting lightly on his thighs and cock buried deep within him and still it looked as if John could come at the slightest movement._

“ _Please, James, god, please move,” John whined and James smirked, gripping John's thighs with steadier hands and pushing his hips up sharply, every movement wringing another sharp cry from John._

“ _Do you want me to touch you?” James asked and John shook his head, eyes closed as he leaned back, bracing his hands on James' thighs and lifting himself up, only to slide back down quickly. James' fingers on his hips tightened._

“ _I can't decided,” John gasped with a wicked smirk,” If I want to come fucking myself on your cock, or for you to pound into me so hard I see stars.”_

_James groaned, sitting up to kiss John desperately, pulling him impossibly closer. One hand left John's hip to bury in his hair while the other arm wrapped around his waist, supporting him as he rose up and down on James' lap, setting a slow and hedonistic pace. John tilted his hips and broke away with a gasp, his head falling back as he shuddered._

“ _On second thought,” he managed to gasp out as James dragged his tongue along the length of John's throat, “Please, please fuck me.”_

“ _Hold on,” James said and he flipped them again, pinning John into the mattress and driving into him roughly, hitting just the right spot and causing John to scream with every thrust._

_James grunted, increasing his pace and only a moment later John was arched against him, crying out as he came between them, his cock completely untouched. James pressed his forehead against John's collarbone and came with a shout as John's muscles clamped down, the world dissolving into small bursts of light behind his eyelids and white noise in his ears._

_When James could think again he slowly untangled himself from John and went to fetch a wash cloth, wiping them both down gently before collapsing back on the bed, tossing the cloth toward the bathroom, uncaring where it landed._

“ _Fuck,” John muttered, breath still coming in short gasps. “Is it always that good?” James chuckled._

“ _No,” he grinned, rolling on his side to lean his head on his hand and gaze down at John. “That was probably one of the best sexual experiences I've ever had, and I am a great deal more experienced then you.”_

“ _Is that your fancy way of saying you're too old for me?” John smirked, one hand coming up to trace James' lips._

“ _And you are?” James asked, one eyebrow raised._

“ _Seventeen,” John finally admitted and James sighed. The last thing he needed was to get involved with a man eleven years younger, but he was beginning to think perhaps it was already too late. He was lost to the look in John's eyes, the curve of his smile, the slim lines of his body and the softness of his skin. Utterly and completely lost._

Three years it had gone on for. Somehow, John had insinuated his way into James' boring little life and never left, until one morning he had. James had woken to find John's things gone and a note in the kitchen that only bore the words ' _I'm sorry_ ' in broken cursive, the paper crinkled on the edges as if someone had clenched it in their fist. No explanation, no phone number, nothing. James had been left utterly devastated, unable to understand what had happened.

They had been so happy, or so James thought. There had been no argument, not fight. They had made love the night before, slowly and tenderly, James reveling in bringing John to the edge again and again without pushing him over, until they were both sated and fell asleep tangled together. When he opened his eyes next morning the curtains were still shut, something that never happened since John was always up before him and opened the curtains, and every trace of him was gone, save the note. He had spent years wondering, what had he missed? What hadn't he seen?

James stared down at his hands, willing the shaking to subside. When it finally did, he pulled off his coat, making his way to the bedroom and crawled into his bed fully clothed, exhaustion overwhelming him as he did his best not to shed tears. He'd cried because of John enough, he wouldn't do it again.

Three days passed, giving James time to think, time to change his locks if he wanted, even though he didn't. He realized after the first evening that he was waiting for the doorbell. He knew now that John had reappeared, he wouldn't leave easily. Finally mid-morning on the fourth day, James' midweek day off, the bell rang. James paused his reading, his eyes unfocused as he stared at the page before tucking the book mark in and standing, taking a deep breath.

He opened the door, already knowing what he'd see on the other side. Sure enough, there was John, hands in his pockets, eyes trained somewhere near the peephole, which meant now he was looking at James' chin. James paused, using the opportunity to look at him, the opportunity he'd not had a few days before.

He had changed in seven years, he had filled out and the lithe muscles under his leather jacket were obvious, but not overly so. Blue jeans sat low on the same slim hips James remembered and there was a light dusting of hair covering a jaw that was far more defined than it had been. His hair still curled in that infuriating way that made James want to bury his fingers into it and tug, although now it was shorter than it had been, only brushing around his face instead of near his shoulders, like it was the last time James had seen him. And his eyes, his eyes were still the same piercing blue that had haunted James late at night, only now they were heavy with life, with experience, with regret.

“What do you want?” James asked, feeling a bit like a broken record.

“I'm sorry,” John said quietly, raising his eyes to look at James. “I am so, so very sorry. I want you to know that I barely made it out the door, when I left. I turned around and started to come back at least half a dozen times between here and the street. I nearly told the cabbie to turn around, I almost didn't get on my flight. I lived, but I regretted it every day,” he told James, his voice shaking.

“That doesn't just fix anything,” James said and John nodded.

“I know, and I'm not going to beg for your forgiveness, I don't deserve it. If you want me to leave and never come back, then tell me now and I'll go.” He said this so seriously that James knew all he had to do was say the words.

 _Seven years,_ his mind reminded him. Seven long years when James had been so angry, so hurt. He had drunk too much, he had smoked too much, he had engaged in several questionable affairs purely for the sex, anything to try and forget John. Eventually he had traveled for a year or two, then settled into a boring existence, living day to day, going to work, eating, sleeping. The only time he relaxed anymore was when he read. Seven of the worst years of his life, proceeded by three of the best.

He stared at John, the sensible part of his mind telling him to slam the door and be done with it once and for all.

“Come in,” James said softly, stepping back and holding the door open, watching John's eyes widen. With a tentative smile, he stepped forward, the door swinging shut behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing directly on from the end of Chapter 1, John returns a few days later to apologize and try to say what he wanted when he first walked back into James' life. _Includes a flashback of John's 19th birthday and may I just recommend, get a fan while you read. (_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't beta'd....

“Where did you go?” James asked stiffly, gesturing at the couch and going to retrieve two beers from the refrigerator.

“Everywhere,” John sighed as he sank down, a tentative smile on his face. “I got on the Eurostar to Paris the day I left and...I didn't stop. Berlin, Brussels, Amsterdam, Helsinki, I went everywhere. I spent almost two years in American and Canada and...I went back to Australia,” he said softly, accepting the beer with a nod.

“Your mother?” James guessed and John nodded.

“She passed last year. The last thing she said to me was _'Go home, John,'_ and I couldn't understand for the longest time because she died in her bed, in the house she raised me and I couldn't...then I realized every time I had thought of home over the years, I thought of you. I didn't know how, I didn't know what to say. I planned out speeches, entire novels begging for your forgiveness and it wasn't until I was standing outside your door that I realized none of it mattered, because how could you ever forgive me?”

“I'm sorry about your mother,” James said after a while, at a loss for words. John nodded, staying quiet now and picking at the label on his still untouched beer, as if unsure or unwilling to make the next move.

“You kept your key,” James said finally.

“You didn't change the locks,” John returned softly.

“I...hoped you'd come back,” James sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. “After a few years it didn't seem like there was any point.”

“Did you...” John fumbled for words, needing to ask what James had done but terrified of hearing just how badly he'd hurt the other man.

“I drank. I had affairs. My friends finally put a stop to it after a year and I travelled for a while, spent some time in the Bahamas, sailed around the islands. Eventually I just tried to forget,” James said quietly, hands clasped against his forehead. If he'd been looking at John he would have seen the younger man was crying.

“I should go,” John said suddenly and before James could react he was almost out the door. James just caught his wrist just as he was about to disappear.

“Don't,” James said, ignoring how his skin tingled where it touched John's “Don't do that, don't just vanish again.”

“I shouldn't have come back,” John said, gasping. “I should have just...I shouldn't have come back.”

James warred with himself, at once wanting to throw John out and scream at him, hurt him as badly as James had hurt, and also to fold his arms around the younger man and tell him it was alright. That he forgave him. Because while he didn't, he may never forgive him, he understood. He remembered being seventeen and he couldn't even imagine what it would have felt like to be in the situation John was in.

The side that James had refused to acknowledge in almost seven years won, roaring to life as he tugged John back and wrapped his arms around the dark haired man, closing his eyes at the familiar feeling. John's hands clutched the back of James' shirt and he was sobbing openly now against James' collarbone. James just held him, stroking his back gently as his own tears ran silently down his face.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” John was mumbling against him continuously, hardly pausing to draw in a gasping breath.

“Shh,” James said softly, pressing his face against John's hair. “It's alright, we'll figure it out. Just don't leave.”

John shook his head, hands clutching tighter. “I never want to feel like that again,” he managed. “I never want to feel how horrible it was to leave you, how broken and guilty I felt.”

“You don't have to,” James whispered. “Just stay.”

John nodded, his fingers finally relaxing as he put his arms fully around James and held him tightly, his sobs finally subsiding slightly. The front of James shirt was wet from his tears but James really didn't care. Carefully he pulled them away from the door and pushed it shut, maneuvering them back toward the couch and laying down, pulling John on top of him. Their legs tangled without really thinking about it and John tucked his head under James' chin while James ran a hand through his hair, the emotional exhaustion quickly lulling them both to sleep.

When James woke several hours later it was dark outside and the flat was drenched in shadows. He reached a hand up to rub his eyes and when he'd cleared the grit from them he looked down to find John watching him, his blue eyes filled with trepidation. James dropped his hand and brushed a thumb along John's cheek, hoping to ease some of the raw emotion on John's face.

“Do you still want me to stay?” John asked, voice barely a breath above a whisper.

“If you do, this won't be easy. For either of us,” James said quietly and John nodded. “But it's your choice. It was always your choice, I wouldn't have begrudged you your life. I just wish you had told me you were unhappy.”

“Oh, James,” John said, eyes welling. “I wasn't unhappy. I'd never been happier in my life and I've never even come close to it since. I was just so scared. I don't think I even have the words to describe how scared I was. I knew if I asked you'd let me go, but I couldn't...every explanation I have sounds stupid and they're all worse than the next,” John sighed. “There's no way to explain that I left because I didn't want to hurt you, since I knew that leaving would do just that.”

“I understand,” James said so softly John almost didn't hear him. “You would rather have broken it off then let either of us grow old and bitter.”

“I think...that's about as close to it as you can get,” John nodded. “I thought I could forget and move on. I thought you'd...”

“You knew I loved you,” James whispered, trying to keep the emotion back, to have this conversation like the grown man he was. “Did you not believe me?”

“I...how could you?” John asked, raising his eyes which were once more filled with tears. “I was a fucking child. How could you love me?”

“I never cared how old you were,” James shook his head and John snorted, suddenly burying his head against James' chest to hide how his face turned red.

“Bullshit,” he said, slightly muffled by James' shirt. “You cared the night we met.”

“Briefly,” James amended, stroking a hand along John's hair absently. “You'll please remember that I never commented on it again, for three whole years. I didn't even say anything on your birthdays.”

John chuckled, blood rushing to his cheeks as he thought of his nineteenth birthday.

“ _James, come on, I can't see,” John laughed, trying to tug James' hands away from his eyes._

“ _I think that's the point,” James smirked, guiding John forward gently until he was standing in the doorway to the living room. He'd been banned to the study earlier in the day and told not to come out or else, so he had no idea what James had been up to throughout the flat for the last two hours._

“ _This better be a good surprise,” John grumbled and James smiled, taking his hands away and wrapping his arms around John's waist._

“ _Open your eyes,” he said softly against John's ear, pleased with the gasp as John did just that._

“ _James...” he trailed off, eyes taking in the room._

_There were over a dozen candles burning and the room was draped in the multi-colored fairly lights John loved so much, blinking softly and wrapped in sheer silk scarves, bathing the whole room in a weird and magical glow. There was a bottle of wine on the table and two glasses, along with an entire spread of all of John's favorite foods._

“ _Happy Birthday,” James whispered and John turned, searching his face for a moment before leaning forward and kissing him hard._

“ _How did you know?” he gasped, pulling away, sure he'd never told James his birthday. He'd been at a festival with a friend the year before and James had never asked when his birthday was even though he knew James' was the 21 st of April._

“ _I have my ways,”James shrugged and John chuckled._

“ _Did you call my mother?”_

“ _I called your mother,” James nodded, unwilling to repeat anything that had been said in the conversation other than acquiring John's birthdate. John just groaned._

“ _Did you steal the number from my phone?” he asked, already imagining how his mother must have made James' ears burn and loving the man all the more for putting up with it._

“ _I may have. She's a wonderful woman,” he muttered against John's lips as he kissed him gently._

“ _Are you telling me you didn't get the speech?”_

“ _Oh no, I got the speech, but she's still lovely,” James chuckled. “Come on, lets eat something.”_

“ _Should I be concerned about the tone with which you say that?” John asked, an eyebrow raised. After almost two years he could read James like a book and the glint in his eye was a familiar one. James just smirked as they reached the table._

_They ate and finished the bottle of wine slowly, moving to the couch and trading kisses as James tugged a box from the end table drawer and handed it to John, who gasped, tearing into the box of his favorites chocolates with glee, taking a bite of one before kissing James soundly and pressing the taste of chocolate against his tongue, causing the other man to moan._

“ _Can we move this before I devour you on the couch?” John asked against James lips and James nodded, putting his hands around John's knees and lifting him easily, carrying him into their bedroom and dropping John on the covers. John fell against the pillows, tugging James down over him, kissing him deeply until the other pulled away._

“ _What do you want?” James whispered, trailing his lips along John's jaw. “This is all about you, tonight, you can have anything you want.”_

“ _Anything?” John breathed, eyes wide as he started at James. James smiled softly._

“ _Anything, John,” he said softly._

_John swallowed then nodded, linking his fingers together behind James' neck and drawing him down for a gentle kiss. He wasn't sure how to tell James what he wanted, what he'd secretly thought about many times since he'd first laid eyes on James in that bar almost two years before._

“ _I can see it in your eyes, just ask me,” James whispered and John swallowed._

“ _I...I want to tie you up,” John started, his voice growing stronger as James' eyes fluttered shut. “I want you tied down to this bed and to tease you until you're begging me to fuck you,” he said, voice rough against James' ear._

_They'd done a lot in two years, they'd switched around now and then, though John preferred to be the one getting fucked more often than not, and he'd been tied up a few times. But he'd never gotten to be the one to tie up James and take him apart, and right now, with an open offer of anything, it was all he could think about._

“ _Fuck,” James breathed, their foreheads pressing together._

“ _Is that a yes?” John chuckled and James groaned._

“ _That's a fuck yes please,” James breathed, nuzzling along John's neck and nipping gently at the skin near his collarbone._

“ _I feel like you'll laugh at me if I tell you what else I want,” John whispered and James chuckled._

“ _Have I ever laughed at you?” he asked with a soft smile and John shifted a little, frowning._

“ _Well there was the time when I suggested we get a chocolate fountain for the bedside table,” he muttered._

“ _Because you_ wouldn't _be at it every waking moment, sex or no?” James asked with a raised eyebrow and John rolled his eyes, realizing there was a point when you considered his potentially unhealthy obsession with chocolate._

“ _Yes, well...” John muttered and James laughed, kissing him softly._

_John wasn't really paying attention when James reached for the side table but when James tugged at his hand and he felt his fingers curl around something silky he opened his eyes to find their hands tangled together in the soft ropes they'd used the last time John had been the one tied up and John felt his cock twitch at the mere thought of having James at his mercy._

“ _Fuck,” he groaned as James sat back and pulled his t-shirt over his head, tossing it away before he flopped back to the bed, lying next to John and stretching his arms over his head, his eyes so filled with trust that John had to kiss him again, fingers tightening on the ropes._

“ _Can I fuck you?” John whispered against James' lips and he nodded, arching up and trying to catch John's retreating mouth. John smiled, nuzzling along the line of James' beard before biting down gently on his ear, enjoying the strangled moan that ripped from the man below him._

“ _You don't have to ask, you know,” James muttered, hands clutching the bars of the bed frame as he bit his lip._

“ _I like to though,” John said as he sat up, reaching forward and loosely, but securely, tying James to the bed before pulling his own shirt off and tossing it away. He watched James take in the freshly exposed skin, he lust plainly visible on his face._

_Leaning down, John began to explore James' chest with his lips and tongue, every sound James made going straight to his cock as he circled each of James' nipples before biting down gently. He drove James mad for long minutes, just tasting him, watching him writhe into the touch, before finally dropping his head and sucking James' cock into his mouth, sucking lightly and moaning at the salty taste. James bucked his hips and John laid and arm over his stomach to keep him in place, licking his way up and down James' cock until he was glistening, then another thought occurred to him as he sat up. Reaching for a pile of clothes on the floor he pulled out a red scarf that had been a present from one of his friends and held it up._

“ _Do you trust me?” John whispered, eyes never leaving James'. James nodded and John bit his lip, leaning forward to cover James' eyes with the blood red scarf, obscuring his vision and causing James to suck in a breath._

_Reaching for the bottle of oil that now sat proudly on the night stand, never to be hidden in a drawer again, because really what was the point when it was used to often, John dripped some on two of his fingers, his other hand trailing patterns along James' thigh before he slid his slicked fingers down where James wanted him most. James practically whimpered when John pressed a finger against him, his cock twitching against his stomach as he arched, trying to press closer. Slowly, John pressed his finger inside, thrusting it in and out slowly, watching James whimpering beneath him until he was ready for a second finger._

“ _Fuck!” James sword loudly when John pressed in with a second finger, twisting them gently as he loosened James and added a third. James bucked his hips, fucking himself down on John's hand, desperately wanting more, wanting everything John could give him._

“ _John?” he almost whined when John pulled away completely._

“ _Shh, be patient,” John said softly, settling back on his heels and reaching for the jar of oil again. Dipping his fingers inside he watched James breathing heavily, tugging at the soft ropes that held his hands to the bed frame, the red scarf over his eyes still securely in place._

_Biting his lip, John trailed his fingers down his chest and slid them along his cock briefly before he slipped lower, dragging them along his own hole. He resisted groaning as he slipped one finger inside, the stretch making him ache with need as he moved his finger in and out only a few times before joining it with a second._

“ _What are you doing?” James asked curiously, his voice husky. John grunted as he added a third finger, not answering. When he felt like he was ready, he once more dipped his fingers in the oil and reached for James' cock._

_James jumped when John's fingers touched him, a long moan dragged from his throat as he pushed his hips up into the touch._

“ _Jesus, John, what?” he managed, but got no further as John straddled him and slowly sank down on his cock, moaning the entire way. Seated all the way, John stilled for a long moment before moving his hips in tiny circles, drawing a line of filthy curses from James and causing him to tug harshly on the ropes holding him._

_Reaching up, John tugged away the blindfold to see James' eyes, green almost obliterated by black as he stared at John like he was some kind of siren. John rose up on his knees a fraction then slid back down, his eyes rolling back as pleasure shot through him. He repeated the motion again and again until he felt like he was about to tip over a precipice, then he pulled away, letting James fall from his body as he panted harshly. James whined at the loss of John's body, writhing against the ties. John took a moment to compose himself, bit his lip harshly before once again he reached for the oil and slicked his own cock, his eyes meeting James' as he crawled forward, pressing against James' stretched hole._

“ _Oh, fuck,” James managed as John pushed into him, his back arching at an almost unnatural angle. “Is this what you were embarrassed about?” James managed between gasped breaths as John pressed his head against James' collarbone, trying to calm his own breathing._

“ _I'm not embarrassed now,”John muttered, rolling his hips as he felt James clench down on him. He shifted his hips and James didn't answer, instead groaning loudly as he bucked against John, meeting every one of his thrusts with his head thrown back and his eyes clenched shut._

“ _Fuck, you're so beautiful,” John muttered, fucking into James roughly, pushing them both towards the edge, slowing when he felt about to explode._

_James forced his eyes open, his toes curling against the sheets and his whole body shaking as he looked at John, at his wide eyes and heaving chest, the sweat covering every inch of skin. He smiled, understanding John's smirk as the younger man pulled away and sat back, keeping distance between their skin for a few minutes until they were both in control of their breathing again. John crawled forward to cover James' body and kissed him deeply, toying with his tongue as once more he lined up James' cock and sank down on it, swallowing the groan that came from his lover._

_Slowly John fucked himself on James' cock, eyes rolled back in his head as he ran his hands along James' chest, moving up his arms to his hands._

“ _I want...” John managed, lacing his fingers with James', grinding his hips back slowly. James moaned, tilting his head to the side and pressing a kiss against John's ear, his breath as rough as the man above him._

“ _Tell me,” he said softly._

“ _I want to come inside you,” John whispered. “Then I want you to come inside me.”_

“ _Jesus,” James swore, clenching his finger's around John's as he tried not to come at just the thought of it._

“ _Is that a yes?” John asked cheekily and James nodded, panting._

“ _God, yes, please,” he groaned and John reached up suddenly, pulling the knots on the ropes until James was free and he slid himself off James body and grabbed his knees, lifting them as he pushed into James once more, groaning at the tight heat surrounding him. James reached for him, burying one hand in his hair and holding tightly while the other went to the base of his cock and squeezed, knowing that if he didn't, he'd come just from John fucking him._

“ _I'm so close,” John whispered as he started to move slowly, gritting his teeth. “I want to fuck you so hard you see stars,” he said softly against James' ear, relishing in the hitch in James' breath._

“ _So do it,” James said, biting down on John's neck, sucking a mark as he tilted his head with the hand buried in dark curls. John groaned and drew back, slamming his hips forward. They both gasped and he did it again, angling his hips to make it as hard as possible for James to keep control of himself while John fucked him._

“ _Jesus,” John groaned as James' hand left his hair and ran down his back, two fingers burying in his slick hole and everything went white as he came buried deep inside James, his orgasm washing over him in wave after wave. He couldn't remember ever coming so hard before and the thought that it wasn't over just sent him higher._

_When he was able to pry his eyes open again he had somehow rolled off James and onto his back without realizing and James was hovering over him. James kissed him deeply and twitched his hips and John gasped, realizing that James was already buried inside him and he moaned, reaching for James ass and clutching tightly, urging the other man to move._

“ _I love you,” James said softly, kissing John with such gentleness that John could feel tears welling up in his eyes as James began to move against him, wringing every second of pleasure from him that he could, cock brushing John's prostate with each stroke. James shuddered and John locked his hands in the other mans hair and pulled him close._

“ _I love you too,” he whispered, choosing to think about this being the first time they'd said the words to each other in the morning. James shuddered against him and snapped his hips forward, two, three, four more times before he groaned, his fingers tightening on John's hips as his cock pulsed._

_He collapsed against John, kept there by legs locked around him when he would have moved, not wanted to crush the other man. Eventually they separated in a haze of post coital bliss and fell asleep tangled together, already knowing they'd both be sore in the morning._

“That's not fair to bring up and you know it,” John muttered against James' neck and he chuckled, shaking himself from the memories.

“Hmm.”

“Where do we go from here?” John asked quietly, sobering as he pushed away the shyness of remembering their time together.

“Well, I think the worst thing we could do now is to fall into bed together,” James muttered and there was a pause.

“Do you...want to?” John asked tentatively and he felt James' hand clench around his shoulder.

“After remembering that night? Christ, how can I not?” James sighed.

“I should probably go then,” John said softly. “Would you like to...have coffee? Talk?” he asked, sitting up and extricating himself from James' familiar limbs. “I mean we don't have to, the offer to leave still stands and-”

John was cut off by James' arm around his waist and he stiffened, feeling James' lips against the back of his neck.

“Do you still care about me?” James asked softly and John nodded.

“I never stopped,” he whispered.

“Then we can talk. Now get out, before I ravage you,” James muttered. John groaned.

“That's not...good incentive to leave,” he admitted quietly.

“I know,” James said, pressing his forehead against John's neck.

“Are you testing me?”

“I'm testing us both, John,” the red haired man said, trying to ignore the blood pulsing in his cock.

With a nod, John leaned back against James for a moment before he stood and the door clicked shut behind him before James could open and focus his eyes. Sighing, James fell back against the couch and covered his eyes, wondering what he was doing, letting John back in so easily. With a groan, he reached for his cock, belatedly realizing he still didn't have a way to contact John, and that he'd be sitting here waiting for him to turn up. Again. Pushing it to the back of his mind, James concentrated on happier moments, allowing himself briefly to fall back into his most cherished memories, unaware that on the other side of the door, John stood with is back pressed against his, biting his lip as tears ran down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, well. Ok. This goes down as so far being the smuttiest thing I've written so far.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After much internal debate, James gives up. He loves John, he's spent seven years waiting for him to come back, he's not going to let him go again.
> 
> Now officially finished!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not overly happy with this, I struggled for a long time with this chapter, but it's done at last and I can finally put this story in my finished box, which is at least one less thing on my mind.

“Hi,” John said softly, shuffling his feet. “I forgot to give you my number.”

James smiled softly, nodding his head as he held the door wider. It had only taken a few hours for John to reappear and he was actually glad.

“About last night,” John muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

James squinted, noticing a flash of ink at his wrist and before John could say anything else, James' hand had shot out and grabbed John's wrist, pushing his sleeve back. The letters _J.M._ were embossed under his skin in dark blue ink, surrounded by delicate lines. John flushed, but didn't pull his hand away as James scrutinized the ink.

“When did you get this done?” James asked, his heart twisting and soaring at the same time.

“About a week after I left,” John said softly, meeting James' eyes when he looked up. The next second James' face was an inch from his and he only had a moment to react before their lips smashed together and he moaned, hands raising automatically to wind into James copper hair.

It was everything he had missed and more, the taste still so familiar on his tongue as James angled his head to the side just perfectly, their tongues twining as their bodies pressed together from chest to knee.

“Jesus,” John muttered as they broke apart, panting. James chuckled, then sobered, pulling back enough to catch John's eyes.

“John, why did you come back?” he asked softly and John swallowed.

“Because I couldn't live without you anymore,” he whispered. “I couldn't live without knowing...if you were happy, if you'd moved on.”

“Clearly you didn't,” James said, rubbing his thumb across the tattoo.

“Never,” John breathed. “I could never forget you, could never get over you.”

James sighed deeply, leaning his forehead against John's as he had a final argument with himself. Every part of his rational mind was screaming at him not to let John back in, not to let himself be set up to be hurt again, but he honestly believed in his heart that John hadn't meant to, that if he came back he wouldn't leave again. It was a war with rationality that James was quickly, and if he was honest, happily, losing. He took a deep breath.

“I've thought a lot about it, and I can't just forgive you for what you did, but I understand. I understand you felt trapped, you felt like we'd become bitter, you felt that breaking it off cleanly would be best. I can't condone it, I'm still mad, but I have felt more alive since you walked back into my life than I have in years. I never stopped missing you, I never stopped caring for you, and I'm going to catch absolute hell for this from everyone I know, but I don't fucking care, because I love you,” he said in one hurried breath, John's eyes widening as he spoke. “I imagine from what you've said you suffered enough, feeling guilty for leaving, feeling alone...I'm willing to call it even at the point, if you'll stay.”

“Christ, I missed you,” John whispered, tears running down his face. “I missed you so fucking much, I don't know why I ever left. I'm so, so sorry, James,” he sobbed and James just hushed him, pulling the younger man into his arms and holding him tightly. “I love you, so fucking much, I never want to leave your side again, if you'll really have me.”

James smiled softly and allowed John to cry into his shirt for a while before he lowered his face and nuzzled the other man's cheek, pressing gently until John raised his face enough that James could cover his lips in a soft kiss, drawing a gasp of surprise from John before he melted in James' arms.

James slowly stepped back, walking them toward the bedroom. He had wanted John so badly the night before and after sleeping fitfully all night and being distracted at work all day, he admitted to himself that he wanted this too much to ignore. John seemed more than willing, moaning gently as he followed James, deepening the kiss as they crossed the threshold into the bedroom.

“We could take this slowly,” John muttered as he tugged the buttons on James' shirt opened and James shook his head, pulling John's belt from the loops. “You mentioned last night this would be a bad idea,” John smirked and James chuckled.

“John, we've been a bad idea since the day we met,” he said quietly. “We sure as hell didn't go slow then, and I don't think we can do much worse than what's already happened at this point. I want you too badly not to have you right fucking now.”

John shuddered at the words, nodding as he leaned forward to catch James' lips, sighing into the soft kiss as he pushed James' shirt off his shoulders and dropped it to the floor, hands tentatively re-exploring the other man's chest.

“What do you want?” James asked, tugging John's t-shirt over his head and tossing it aside, drawing him close with an arm around his waist.

“I...” John paused, looking up at James, eyes wide and pupils blown. James could see the emotions warring in him, guilt, regret, anger at himself, unwavering love that still hadn't dimmed despite what they'd been through.

“Tell me,” James whispered.

“I want...” John whispered. “I want you inside me.”

James nodded, carefully tilting John's head back and kissing him deeply, unhurriedly. He reached for the button and zip on John's jeans, easing them open and pushing his jeans to the floor, steadying the other man as he stepped out of them and kicked them away. John reached for James' track pants and pushed them down, running his hands over the fresh skin he exposed, taking a sharp breath when he realized James wasn't wearing underwear.

“I love you,” John mumbled against James' lips, hands cradling his hips as he pulled them together gently. “I never stopped.”

“I know,” James whispered, turning them and gently lowering John to the bed, laying his body over him as they pressed together from toes to foreheads, John's briefs the only barrier left between them.

James caught John's hand and brought the ink to his mouth, kissing the tattoo softly, running his tongue over the dark blue letters as John sighed, eyes closing as his whole body broke out in goosebumps.

“I was drunk when I did it,” he admitted, shivering as James traced every line of ink embedded under his skin. “I missed you so badly, the first thing I did when I got to Paris was find a bar. When I got the ink...I never regretted it. I wanted to have a piece of you to carry with me, forever,” he whispered.

“This is where I would make a joke about you being a sap,” James muttered, shaking his head. “I'm too glad though, it tells me you mean it.”

“I mean every word,” John said and James smiled.

“Good,” he whispered.

“Will you fuck me now?” John asked quietly and James chuckled.

“I'm going to absolutely destroy you,” he promised. “I'm going to take you apart piece by piece until you can't remember your own name.”

John moaned, pressing his hips up, trying to get James to speed up the slow roll of his own hips.

“Patience,” James whispered.

“God,” John groaned as James' fingers traced down his arm featherlight, the sensation barely there.

“Shh,” James muttered, following he path of his fingers with his mouth, kissing along John's arm and across his chest, using his lips to retrace every inch of skin, taking his time and leaving John trembling under him as he moved, carefully avoiding the other man's hard cock, still trapped in his briefs, a wet spot visible where the tip was leaking.

Coming up to lay his body along John's and kiss him deeply, James reached for the bedside table, fishing around in the drawer for a moment blindly until he came back with that he was looking for with a grin. John chuckled, pushing James off him long enough to tug his briefs down and chuck them away, spreading his legs in invitation as James took him in fully.

“You're still so beautiful,” James whispered, lying a kiss along John's thigh as he opened the small bottle he held, dripping it's contents along his fingers and drawing random patterns on the insides of John's thighs for long moments, driving him wild with the gentle brush of fingers.

“James,” John whispered and James dropped his fingers, brushing over John's balls lightly before tracing around his hole, barely touching even when John bucked his hips, chasing the pressure. James carefully pressed one finger inside, eyes closing at the sound of John's moans as he moved his hand gently. A minute later he slipped his finger out, returning with two, carefully stretching John as the other man writhed under him, twisting his hips. James finally laid an arm over his stomach, keeping him still as he moved his other hand.

“Jesus, James,” John whined and James smirked, lowering his head and letting his tongue flick out and lick the head of John's cock, causing the other man to jump, followed by a long drawn out moan. Smirking, James took John's cock in his mouth as he added a third finger, sucking lightly as he continued to open John up, please when John sank back against the pillows, going utterly boneless and relaxing around his fingers.

“Ready?” James asked a few minutes later, letting John's cock fall from his mouth with a small pop. John managed to force his eyes open, nodding with a gasp as James pulled his fingers free and reached for the bottle again, slicking his cock before he laid over John, their bodies pressed together tightly. He slid in gently, slowly, small movements until he was pressing as far inside John as he could, the white hot heat surrounding him completely.

“Fuck,” James breathed, eyes closed, forehead pressed against John's. John's legs wrapped around his hips, pulling him closer and James shuddered, tilting his head and kissing John deeply, tongues rubbing along each other and exploring as James slowly drew out before pushing back just as slowly, causing John to whine and his fingers tighten on the back of James' neck.

James continued to move torturously slowly, for how long John didn't know, but after a long while he thought he might go mad if he didn't come soon, his whole body feeling raw and oversensitive. He tugged his heels, trying to get James to speed up, instead whimpering when James pulled away completely, carefully rolling them so he was on his back and John was straddling him. He smirked when John forced his eyes open, short little breaths puffing from his slightly open mouth.

“You look just as wrecked as the first day,” James said quietly, tracing a thumb over John's lower lip, breath catching when John turned his mouth to catch the digit and suck lightly.

“I feel it,” he whispered, rocking his hips back against James. James smirked, pulling his hand free to rest both of them on John's hips, guiding him up on his knees and then back down, sinking slowly onto James' cock with a loud moan from both of them.

“Don't move,” James whispered, rolling his hips, causing John to gasp. Bending his knees, James planted his feet on the bed and thrust his hips slowly, driving John mad with each slow movement.

“God, James, please,” John begged, tears running from the corners of his eyes, too high on pleasure to even care. Every nerve tingled and he'd never felt so ready to break apart. He'd never been pushed so high that it was too much, that he felt too good.

“Hmm,” James hummed, tilting his hips up gently, running his thumbs along John's hip bones.

“Please,” John whispered, his eyes shining, the only light coming from the streetlight outside, barely lighting the room.

“Like this?” James asked and John shook his head, smirk spreading along his lips. James chuckled, rolling them again in one swift movement and thrusting his hips hard. John arched, a silent scream lodged in his throat as his fingers dug into James' arms while the other man began to move hard and fast.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” John chanted, tipping his hips to meet every thrust, feeling his orgasm rushing up on him as James hit just the right spot over and over with ever thrust. James' name flew from his lips as he arched, his whole body going tense as he shuddered, release washing over him like a wave trying to drown him. He shook as James' thrusts lost all cohesion and he moved roughly, chasing his own release until he tensed, a long moan spilling from his lips as his body jerked, emptying deep inside John. He collapsed on top of the other man, caught by John's legs when he tried to pull away. Carefully he rolled them, still tangled together, so that John was resting on his chest.

“Stay,” James whispered and John smiled against his collarbone.

“Always,” he whispered, his arms tightening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed this 10k+ of crazy smut and little plot! Comments are always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> I’m on Tumblr [Beneath The Black Sails](http://www.beneaththeblacksails.tumblr.com)


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